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Wednesday
Apr092014

What To Do If You Get Caught Stealing A Golf Cart

Today me and my nillas attempted to film a scene for our music video, which involves us cruising around in a golf cart rapping like we’re too legit, too legit to quit.  We tried to shoot the scene last weekend at Albuquerque Country Club, but when we asked them if we could use a golf cart for 10 minutes, they told us they were a private club and they didn’t allow “street people” inside.  Today we went to Arroyo Del Oso, a public golf course and asked for Bob, somebody that my buddy Rick Semones suggested I talk to.  Well, we started off on a bad foot, because turns out there is no “Bob” that works at Arroyo Del Oso (Rick, you’re a dick).  We explained that we were shooting a music video, and asked if we could use a cart for a quick shot, and they said we would have to come back tomorrow and talk to the manager for that.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  We took to the field and pitched our video to the youngest white guys we could find, asking if they would like to be in our video, or at least let us use there golf cart for about 5 minutes to film our scene.  They said they would let us, but they were responsible for the cart and any damages to it, so they couldn’t.  This was them saying in golfer talk that they were big ol’ pussies who hated fun and adventure and rap music.  Next we found a post-pubescent Anglo boy that was working at the course, shagging balls or something, and pitched our idea to him.  He said he didn’t have enough pull there, but suggested we talk to one of the older Caucasian men that worked at the course.  Being civil and polite was getting us nowhere.  If we were going to get our shot in a golf cart, we were going to have to jack a golf cart, GTA style.  Me and my buddy, who goes under the alias “White Spice” in fear of being caught by the man, hopped in a cart.  The keys were there waiting for us, but we were having some trouble starting it.  Finally we figured it out, but before we could hit the gas, an employ approached us and timidly shouted “Can I help you guys with something?”  I had to think fast.  I thought about asking him to help us figure out how to start the cart, but it was obvious he was on to the fact that we didn’t belong there (perhaps because of our gold chains, wife beaters, and bandanas).  I thought fast, and turned the situation around by handing him my phone and asking if he could take a picture of us.  “Sure,” he agreed, hesitantly.  He took my phone, and he was either terrified of what was about to go down, or he had Parkinson’s (I don’t say that to make a joke of Parkinson’s Disease, I say that because he was trembling like crazy, and may have, in fact, had Parkinson’s.  That’s why the photo is a little blurry), because he was trembling like crazy.  That’s why the photo is a little blurry (I put that twice, just in case you didn’t read what was in the parenthesis). 

            After our failed attempt to shoot our golf cart scene, we decided to film us cruising in the back of a truck instead.  As we circled a roundabout in front of Albuquerque Country Club (the club that had previously told us that they don’t allow street people inside), one of the employs came out to “warn us” that the people there call the cops when they see stuff like that going on.  We thanked him for his concern, and then continued circling the roundabout as he spied on us from the parking lot.  Once we were finished and began driving off, the young man ran up on the sidewalk next to our truck, more intrigued than angry, appearing as if he wished he were in the back of that truck with us wearing bling and a wife-beater, rapping his little heart out, instead of working at a country club that doesn’t allow street people in, and he shouted, as we drove off into the desert sunset, “Hey, just out of personal curiosity, what is this video for?”

  “Youth group,” I lied.  “Youth group.” 

 

photo credit: Mike L.J. Fox

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