The Beach Waterpark - Chris Christie's Home Away From Home

New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie apparently closed down The Beach in Albuquerque, New Mexico in 2005 and has been having private vacations there with his friends and family ever since. Christie supposedly had The Black Hole removed when his friend Bill Richardson, former New Mexico governor, got stuck in the tunnel. It is rumored that other former and current New Mexico governors have been invited to the waterpark, including Susana Martinez, who had a pizza party with the Christie family, and Gary Johnson, who spent most of his visit smoking marijuana on the Lazy River.

10 Worst Places To Live In Albuquerque

Albuquerque has a plethora of beautiful scenery and landscapes, but there is more than meats the eye. Contrary to popular belief, there are some places in the City of Enchantment that you should avoid living whether you are considering transplanting to the 505 or are a Burque (Albuquerque) native looking for a change of scenery:

1: Downtown

Downtown Albuquerque has gotten a bad rep (reputation) lately. Recently KOB 4 news was filming a segment on how bad the area has gotten, and while they were filming their news van was stolen. If that’s not bad enough, recently a food truck that used to have tacos for $1.50 each raised their prices to $2 per taco. They also raised their prices on burritos by $1. Because of this price hike, many loyal customers are taking to the street and asking for change to help them get more tacos. The truck's habanero sauce is good, but be careful not to get too much because it is really hot.

2: North East Heights

The North East Heights is often praised as a good place to live, but it’s not. The area is littered with senior citizens cutting in line in their Hoverounds at Whole Foods while you’re trying to buy a shot of wheat grass. The former jewel of New Mexico, Winrock Mall, is now a virtual ghost town with only a few stores left to shop in, and Tanoan Golf Course will kick you out if you ride around on their golf carts without paying.  

3: Tingly Beach

It’s true, Tingly Beach looks like a very appealing place to call home. As the New Mexico sun sets and the palm trees turn into whispering silhouettes, the area can look like a scene from a Seal music video, which is ironic, because Tingly Beach has become a hub for baby seal clubbing. Vagabonds travel from around the globe and buy a Groupon for their shot to club baby seals. The noise of screaming seals can make it very hard to sleep at night.

4: Central

Avoid living anywhere on Central for the next 4-13 years*. The city recently began installing a performance art installation that runs up and down Central. The piece in named “A.R.T.” and although it does have a beautiful contrast of orange and fifty shades of grey, it has made the street more congested than my cousin’s nose in the Bosque during allergy season, and she’s allergic to everything. The A.R.T. project is so hated that many UNM art majors are now changing their focus from art to philosophy.

5: Carlsbad Caverns

Albuquerque is know for green chile, the Balloon Fiesta, Don Schrader, and the Carlsbad Caverns. To the casual eye, Carlsbad Caverns seem like the perfect place to live out your Fred Flinstone fantasy with a cool 56°F temperature year round and endless opportunities to make sexual puns about stalactites and stalagmites, but it’s not all fun and games. The caverns are home of over one thousand dozen vampire bats. They will bite you while you are asleep and unlike the story of Batman where he turns into a batman after being bit, the only thing you will turn into is a sickman (or woman) because you will probably get Ebola. (I was trying to say you will turn into a sickman or a sickwoman if you are bit. I didn’t mean that you would turn into a woman if you were bit by a bat. That probably wouldn’t happen).

I know this spreads some negative light on the Albuquerque, but there are a lot of great things about the city, like at least it’s not Rio Rancho. Good luck out there.

 *The one exception is the International District. That area is lovely and full of a lot of internationalism.

Burque Spiderman

Meet Albuquerque's most unsuspecting super-hero...He leaps from tall benches with a single bound, swings from tire swings at abandoned playgrounds, and when he needs to get across town and he's in a rush, the latches himself to the back of a bus.  LOOK OUT, it's Burque Spiderman!

Who wants to have a picnic??

Beautiful Albuquerque picnic spot

Frustrated Freestyle Fridays