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Entries in Allegiant Airlines review (1)

Friday
Sep152017

Two Ladies, A Baby, And Me In A Yellow Safety Vest…On A Plane

I’m on an Allegiant plane flight from Albuquerque to LA. For those of you that don’t know what Allegiant Airlines is, it’s pretty much the airplane version of Movies 8. For those of you that don’t know what Movies 8 is, it’s pretty much the State Fair on dollar day. 

 

We’re all seated and waiting for the plane to take off, and there’s two ladies arguing over a baby. The 1-year-old is playing and keeps lifting up and dropping the seat tray, and it’s pretty annoying, like a Lil’ Pump rap song, but whatever, he’s just a baby playing, kinda like Lil’ Pump. The lady sitting behind the mom and son can’t take it anymore because she’s trying to watch The Bachelor on her iPhone. She asserts herself in an exotic accent that I can’t quite place, but probably a snobby place, not like a 3rd world country. I think it may be Canadian, but like the French part of Canada. The mom told the lady that her son is just playing, and he’s only one.

 

I’m sitting here trying to decide whose side I’m on. This is the type of situation I deal with at work, so I feel like I need to be empathetic and open to both parties. I road my bike to the Ted Talks last weekend and as a reward for riding my bike from my apartment to the Convention Center, a .4 mile ride, they presented me with a bright yellow, reflective safety vest to wear when I’m riding my bike drunk so other drunk bicyclists see me coming. If I had that vest with me right now, I could put it on and do some conflict resolution so this flight would be more pleasurable for the mother, the French-Canadian lady, and Baby Lil’ Pump. I assume it would go something like this:

 

Baby Lil’ Pump

(Slamming the seat tray)

Gaga-goo-goo. (Slam) Gaga-goo-goo.

 

French-Canadian Lady

Can you make him stop?!

 

Mama

It’s okay, he’s just playing. He’s a baby.

 

French-Canadian Lady

It’s not okay. He needs to stop.

 

Mama

He’s one.

 

French-Canadian Lady

I have kids, you can make them stop.

 

Enter Yellow Vest Rusty, an attractive male with a shaved head and a yellow safety vest.

 

Rusty Yellow Vest

Hello ladies. Is everything all right?

 

Mama

Yeah, he’s just playing.

 

French-Canadian Lady

No, it’s not all right. Her kid keeps slamming the tray and I’m trying to watch The Bachelor or Desperate House Wives or some shit on my phone.

 

Baby Lil’ Pump

Lady gaga-goo-goo.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

Okay, let’s all calm down, I think we can work this out. Are you two familiar with the number one best selling book of all times, The Bible?

 

The women stare at Yellow Vest Rusty, confused.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

There’s a parenting tip I learned from King Saul. We are going to have to break this baby in half.

 

Mama

What?! You’re not touching my baby. He’s only one.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

All right, I guess we know who the real mother of this child is. See guys, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

 

Yellow Vest Rusty turns and slowly walks away, revealing the big bicycle picture on the back of his yellow safety vest. The ladies smile timidly at one another, not quite sure what just happened. Baby Lil’ Pump drifts into a peaceful sleep as the jet ascends into the clouds. Moments later the “fasten seatbelt” sign goes off. The two ladies stand from their seat and glance at Yellow Vest Rusty, silently signaling for him to meet them in the lavatory. He does and the two women undress each other, then undress Yellow Vest Rusty, layer, by layer, by layer, until their three bodies are one in the small bathroom.

 

French-Canadian Lady

Wait! Put the yellow vest back on.

 

Mama

I’ll do it.

 

French-Canadian Lady

No, let’s do it…together.

 

The two ladies gently slide the yellow vest back over Yellow Vest Rusty’s glistening body.

 

French-Canadian Lady

Now. Now we fuck.

 

The three make romance explosion all over the yellow vest.

 

 

 

 

…One year and nine months later…

 

 

Yellow Vest Rusty sits on an Allegiant airplane that has just been delayed. Next to him is a one-year-old girl. She picks up the seat’s tray table and slams it down several times, giggling. Yellow Vest Rusty hears a voice coming from behind him.

 

French-Canadian Lady

Oh my god, can you please make her stop?

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

She’s only one year old.

 

Their eyes meet.

 

French-Canadian Lady

Yellow Vest Rusty? Is that you?

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

French-Canadian Lady. I never thought we would meet again.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty hears a two-year-old baby’s voice coming from behind French-Canadian Lady.

 

Baby Lil’ Pump

Lady Gaga.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

Baby Lil’ Pump?

 

Mama

He’s two now.

 

All six of the grownups eyes meet. French-Canadian Lady has a lazy eye, that’s how she’s able to look at Yellow Vest Rusty and Mama at the same time.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

I have something to tell you guys. This one-year-old baby isn’t just mine...This one-year-old baby also has a mother…and it’s one of you…

a

Everyone’s jaw drops, except for Yellow Vest Rusty, because he already knew this.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

There’s only one thing we can do here. We have to break this one-year-old baby into three pieces, that way we can each have a piece.

 

Mama
What? No!

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

You’re right, I forgot about Baby Lil’ Pump. We have to break this one-year-old baby into four pieces, like a Kit-Kat bar.

 

French-Canadian Lady

That is not okay.

 

Yellow Vest Rusty

I was hoping you guys would say that. This can only mean one thing. We’re ALL her mother.

 

The one-year-old baby sits next to Baby Lil’ Pump and they take turns slamming the seat tray. Yellow Vest Rusty, French-Canadian Lady, and Mama sneak into the lavatory and make passionate love on the yellow safety vest.

 

* fade to yellow *